what we hate, we make

I feel like I need to update this at least one more time because of how much everything has changed for me in the past year.

I fucking love my life right now. I am truly the happiest I have ever been in my life. I am surrounded by wonderful and amazing people who love me and I totally agree that college is the best years of your life.

I was so terrified the 2 days before my roommate showed up in my dorm. I felt like I had made the wrong decision, I have never been so scared or felt so alone. I had no idea how much my life would be changed by this random girl from Kent that I would be living with. I have never bonded with someone so quickly, or had such a strong connection with another person. I have never gotten sick of her, even though we spent like 21 out of 24 hours in a day together every single day for a year in a tiny room. I can't believe I went 18 years not knowing Lauren. I can't even put into words how much I fucking love this girl, and I have absolutely NO doubt she will always be in my life. I hate sleeping alone at home for the summer. I miss our dorm room. I miss walking home from parties at 4am and being SO relieved to walk into our room and make popcorn and sit on my bed together, braless, and discuss the night's events. Being with Lauren in that room was the most comfortable, safe feeling thing I have ever experienced. As much as I'm glad to be away from RAs, communal bathrooms, cold showers, and 2am fire alarms, I will miss the shit out of living in that room with Lauren. We made it a home.

This year has been insane. I've made mistakes. I've been arrested. I've done homework drunk at 4am. I've stripped with people I hardly knew and jumped into a private pool at 3am. I've fooled around on a hill overlooking Pullman in the middle of the night. I've done community service (that I had to do for getting an MIP) drunk as hell. I've had to see a counselor to discuss my drinking habits because I got caught drinking in the dorms more than once and took the alcohol class multiple times. I've lived like I've never lived before.

I adore Pullman and WSU. I am a diehard Coug and will fucking rip your throat out if you try and talk shit about my school. I follow sports for the first time in my life (but only my team) and scream my head off at the games. I always thought I was a city girl but there is nothing I love seeing more than those endless rolling hills of the Palouse in the middle of fucking nowhere surrounding my home away from home.

Summer's pretty good, but I am more than ready to head back to Pullman. There's one hell of a cute boy that I really want to see again. I cannot fucking wait to live in my apartment with 3 of my best friends (including Lauren, of course) free from RAs. My dad and I are building an amazing beer pong table for it (yeah, my dad's pretty much the coolest guy ever).

Life is good. I feel so blessed.

I think the end of GJ was officially the end of my journaling since I've only updated this once. I just don't care enough anymore. So here's most likely my final update about the past 4 months.

I graduated. I'm moving into my dorm in 8 days. I'm ready now. It's time. Go Cougs.

Ireland never happened. Mom & Dad paid for Caitlin and I to take a trip of our own instead so we went to Cancun for one amazing week. I swam with a dolphin, ziplined in the jungle, fell off a bike in front of many people (twice), snorkeled in a cave, got really drunk, danced on a bar, drank a lot of margaritas, fell asleep on the bathroom floor, tanned, sunburned, bonded with my sister, got sand in my butt, got hit on by very creepy Venezuelan men who asked to grope me, etc. Caitlin and I bonded and had so much fun together. I was nervous about clubbing with her but we had fun. Especially me.

Caitlin moved to Arizona to teach a 2nd grade class in a really nice school. I'm happy for her but devastated that she's not here to help me move into my dorm, and upset that we're separated after finally feeling close again. Cancun was good for us. I miss her.

Mom's in chemo. The look on her face when my dad shaved off her hair...I cry thinking about it. I never, ever want to see her have that look on her face again. I've never seen her look so devastated. She looked so brave as he did but as soon as he said "okay" and stepped back she started to cry in a way I've never seen her cry before. Not when she told me she had cancer, not when Maggie died, never have I seen her have this look on her face. It was awful in ways I can't describe. I hugged her and cried with her and told her she looked fine. She's much more okay with being bald now, but that day was the hardest day of this whole ordeal by far.

She has good and bad days, but the bad are never terrible. She looked so tired at my graduation party. She's tired today. But the really bad drugs are done with. Radiation starts soon. I am in no way okay with the fact that I am moving away while she's still undergoing treatment, so I can't even talk about it. I haven't dealt with it. I just can't.

Megan and I drifted apart because of Robby, but things are better now and I think we're going to be okay. I felt really hurt and betrayed about her abandoning me for some guy when I needed her most, and I still haven't confronted her about that. But in turn Claire and I became closer than ever. She has been my angel through everything I've been through these past few months and I love her so goddamn much, I can't imagine WSU without her and I don't know how we're going to handle being apart. We've been glued to each other all summer.

I've become a total fucking stoner. But you know what? I've had the best fucking summer and weed is a big reason why. I don't give a fuck. I've seriously been having the time of my life with my friends, despite how much life sucks at home some days, and almost all of my best memories and quotes from this summer happened while I was high.

I'm going to miss everyone here so much. But I know WSU was the right choice. It's time for me to do something entirely on my own. It's weird how this ended up being the best and worst summer of my life. I've cried so much but laughed so much too.

I have 8 days left at home. I'm either going to smoke and watch Pineapple Express with a bunch of people or go to a party tonight. The remaining 8 days will be spent stoned most likely. Then it's time for goodbye's which I'm not looking forward to. But I'm so ready to start over at WSU.

I'm filling out my dorm application for WSU right now. It's crazy how fast it's coming up.

I'm still having a really hard time right now. I still haven't fully accepted Mom's cancer. Her surgery is the day she gets back from Paris, which breaks my heart that she'll be all jetlagged yet excited about the trip and then go through that. We'll know about a week or so after if she'll need chemo. If she does, we won't be going to Ireland this summer anymore because she won't have enough vacation days left after treatment. That'll be disappointing, but nothing compared to what my mom would have to go through.

I just don't know how to deal with all this. I'm about to take the biggest jump of my life and I feel like my whole world is just a giant collapsing mess with my mom being sick and my lack of time to do anything because of work/homework. Forever 21 fucking ate my life, you have no idea. I worked 6 days in 1 week. Claire came over Friday and we got high and that's pretty much the only thing I've done for myself since I started working. I just want to be at home with my family right now more than anything.